Bad Habits

  
I’ve got a habit that’s scary to admit.
You see, “love” is a difficult thing for me.
Not in the sense that it’s hard to fall
but that I always seem to fall.
I have a habit of loving people more than they love me.
I have a fear that sits in my gut.
You see, “love” is a scary thing for me.
I fall in love and fall real hard
and give my all and some.
I’m afraid in love.
This is a new truth for me.
I always thought it was truly astounding
that I could continue to believe in love when it had deceived me time and time again.
I bought into the idea that I was resilient, not stupid
because I always gave love a second chance.
Maybe now, all the bad things are catching up to me.
Maybe now my heart, and not just mind, is remembering all the pain.
I love someone.
I love someone and it is petrifying.
I love someone more than they love me.
It’s scary to live with that.
I see a future that’s looking more and more like a fantasy than a reality.
I’m constantly bracing for disappointment, when I never did that when I should have in the past.
I’m waiting for the hammer to drop.
I’m watching my words and my actions and my hands and my face.
I find myself tongue tied with fright.
Where I use to feel comfort, I now feel shame because I love someone so.
I don’t make choices, because I’m afraid of rejection.
I backtrack on affection, because I’m afraid of rejection.
I don’t say words, because I expect rejection.
I have a habit of loving people more than they love me.

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