beautiful dreamer…


It’s like waiting for natural disaster. You know it’s coming, you can’t change it, all you can do is brace.You feel sorry for yourself, but mostly feel angry for being where you are in the first place.

You blame someone else for their lack, and blame yourself for your excess.

It reminds you of being stuck between sleep and consciousness; not quite being able to land on either side, but wanting to so bad.

It involves a wanting, a longing, a hoping…but knowing the day may never come.

It requires continuous efforts of staying afloat even when it seems like sinking is inevitable.

It’s scary.

It’s scary good at some times, but then you remember how simply scary it is.

Short of breath from the good, short of breath from the possible bad; you’re never exactly breathing.

Waiting to exhale.

The “butterflies” in your stomach so intense at times that it actually hurts.

Tears leading to laughter, and laughter leading to tears.

So uncertain.
It’s like waiting for sunrise and nightfall simultaneously. 

You’re in a continuous state of judging yourself. Looking from head to toe. Comparing all the good and bad.

You’re not trusting. Not trusting anyone, anything, any gesture, any words. Not trusting yourself.

It forces logical thinking to become illogical and illogical thinking to seem logical.

It creates an investigator in you. Watching. Always watching. Searching. Searching for clues. Interviewing people slyly without them realizing they’re being interrogated.

It’s eternity. It makes the days seem so long and never ending. And then all of a sudden the day is done and you’re wondering where it went.

What did you accomplish today? Did you have a good day? Is today a tick on the positive side or the negative? Competition. It feels like competing. But with whom? Could someone else have made today better?
This is what it’s really like. It’s full of questions. Oh the never ending questions. Tons of questions and no answers.
It’s beautifully dreaming. It’s beautiful when it’s good. It’s beautiful in the quiet moments. It’s beautiful in the fall. It’s beautiful when there’s resolution. It’s beautiful in communication. It’s the beautiful sound of laughter and joy. It’s beautiful in consideration, thoughtfulness, selflessness. It’s a beautiful evolution of one with another… But it is dreaming.
Loving someone who doesn’t love you.


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