i haven’t had an appetite in four weeks. I’ve lost fifteen pounds in a month, doing absolutely nothing. I’ve been eating once a day, if I remember to. When I’m stressed or sad, my appetite goes out the window.  But tonight, at 1:54am, I got out of my bed, went to my kitchen, and made a sandwich. I WAS STARVING!!

And I’m  so glad! I want to lose weight, but I want it to be with sweat and work and an increase in muscle and endurance…  Not from being sick over my ex girlfriend.

So, I hope I gain a little weight back. Then I want to lose it again. gain some muscles. Be able to do some chin-ups. Be able to run.

I’m eating tonight. I’m glad.





I’m in my home. In my atmosphere.
Candles lit. Incense burning.
Slow tunes flowing from my speakers as I pour a glass of wine and begin to slow myself for the night.

I sip. I hum. I listen.
” … boxes don’t fit me very well. Confinement is hell, or what I imagine hell to be…
to Fall into your Winter means to Spring where my dreams dare not Summer.
to give into your darkness, means to take all my light and hide…”
-Carolyn Malachi
Continue reading

little muse


another from the vault…

June 17, 2010
you’re my muse.
i don’t know why.
when I look at you my vision sparks
my mind flutters and then flies
i stray from mundane and right.
i indulge in insane and fright.
my mind swims and floats in air full of rhymes, colors, whims
hearing you name

grass begins to flow
waters grow
the wind shines with rays
the sun’s breeze blows like music

because you’re my muse
within you everything is new.
nothing ever as it has been
My creativity is you.

Are? Who? How?


from the vault…

May 7, 2011
Are moments real? What makes a “happening” sincere?
How do we know the difference between reality and fake?
What is it that makes time stand still?
What is it that makes people truly feel?
How do we know when one’s intentions are true?
How can we tell that lies are being used?
When do we decide to have our selfishness removed?
What is it that makes some continue to abuse?
What is it that moves us to do whatever it is we please?
Why are some things impossible to release?
Where does it say that compassion is a part of a game?
What is it that makes hearts grow cold and smiles fade?
How is it that broken hearts trust love again?
Why do certain moments, good or bad, always in mind replay?
Why does the sun shine when thoughts are heavy and burdened?
Why is it the thunder rolls during the best of moments?
What makes rivers of emotions flow swiftly into oceans of madness?
What makes the heart flutter?
Where does the soul find its mate? Who decides relationship’s fate?
What is art? Who wrote the rhyme?
How is music defined?
How can beauty be melodious?
When do words become a painted picture?
When does one’s artistry becomes another one’s being?
Why is seeing believing?
Are these words? Ramblings? Thoughts?
Is this art?
Is this a moment?
Are moments real? What makes a “happening” sincere?”

3 Different Hearts


I like having my heart.
I can be cold. I can be distant. I’m really good at playing the field.
I can be guarded. I can be rude. I can be completely hands off it.
I have a heart though, and it’s big and wide and open.
I like having my heart.

I’ve been in love exactly two times.
(three, if you include my love for self)
My first love, well, her heart was… Complicated Continue reading


I’m suppose to be twelve short hours away.
I’m suppose to be twelve short hours away.
I’m suppose to be twelve short hours away.

I’ve been waiting four weeks to see the woman I love, but she doesn’t love me, and I won’t be seeing her.

I got an email today. My flight is ready for me to check in. I had planned to be wheels up in the a.m. I want to be wheels up in the a.m. And an insane part of me is contemplating making that flight and dealing with everything left for me to do here later. I could go to Miami in the morning…

I’m suppose to be one sleep away.
Tomorrow night I’m suppose to lay looking love’s way.
I’m suppose to be happy and in love.
A part of a baby power couple.

I’m dressed. I’m sitting on the side of my bed, dressed.
I got asked out. This woman asked me out for drinks. I said ok.
Nothing about me wants to go out. But I’m dressed.
The thought of sitting at a bar with some woman I don’t know…
I think I’m going to be sick.

This week has been ok, but now every emotion I had is rushing back.
I knew I would feel this way.
I knew emotions would flood me because I’m supposed to be twelve short hours away.

Why does this hurt me?
It hurts me.
It hurts.
I’m suppose to be twelve short hours away.

my last



“Well I love you like a child loves the sun.
I love you like an athlete loves to run.
like cereal loves a spoon, and I love you like the stars love the moon.
like peanut butter goes jelly.
like Santa loves his joy filled belly.
I love you cuz you hold my hand, and accept me for who I am.

I love you near or far. I love you for who you are.

You amaze me daily,
your love for me simply blows my mind
I appreciate the light of your smile.
It makes my heart go wild.
Excited for all the things to come, I constantly am.
Simply put, I love you ma’am.

I create for you,
because my future has never seem so bright,
I create for you,
because this time I think I got it right.
I create for you,
because you hold my hand in your sleep at night.
I create for you.
Be forever in my life. ”

The last song I wrote…