I’m starting to believe that what I want doesn’t exist.
I’ve never had good.
Anytime I’ve come close to good, a massive amount of bullshit overpowers.
Sometimes, I blame myself for the bull; accepting what I know I shouldn’t.
However, most of the time I’m simply blindsided.
Never saw the bullshit coming.
Never saw the negative coming.
I’m starting to believe, what I long for isn’t real.
I know it exist for others.
I’ve seen it.
I’ve seen it be real and beautiful
However for me, no.
I thought I had real once.
I would have bet my life on it.
I did bet aspects of my life.
I invested my future and “my children’s” future and “their children’s” future in what I thought was real.
It was not however.
It never is.
I think it may just be my destiny to never have good.
The amount of lies, the awesome disappointments, the unbelievable scenarios…
It’s a wonder I’ve believed thus far in my possibility for good.
The time has come, I believe, that I accept what shall not be for me.
So I sit. With tears.
I sit. With a new belief.
I sit. Knowing.
Real and good will never be mine.
All my happiness, my contentment, and my future will only involve me.
Me is all I will ever have.