New Acceptance

I’m starting to believe that what I want doesn’t exist.

I’ve never had good.
Anytime I’ve come close to good, a massive amount of bullshit overpowers.
Sometimes, I blame myself for the bull; accepting what I know I shouldn’t.
However, most of the time I’m simply blindsided.
Never saw the bullshit coming.
Never saw the negative coming.

I’m starting to believe, what I long for isn’t real.
I know it exist for others.
I’ve seen it.
I’ve seen it be real and beautiful
for others.
However for me, no.
Never.

I thought I had real once.
I would have bet my life on it.
I did bet aspects of my life.
I invested my future and “my children’s” future and “their children’s” future in what I thought was real.
It was not however.
It never is.

I think it may just be my destiny to never have good.
The amount of lies, the awesome disappointments, the unbelievable scenarios…
It’s a wonder I’ve believed thus far in my possibility for good.
The time has come, I believe, that I accept what shall not be for me.
Real.
Good.

So I sit. With tears.
I sit. With a new belief.
I sit. Knowing.
Real and good will never be mine.
All my happiness, my contentment, and my future will only involve me.
Me is all I will ever have.

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2 thoughts on “New Acceptance

  1. YOU are an answer to my prayers! Let me explain. Hopefully this makes sense! This post is exactly how I feel all the time. Especially when you write “Im starting to believe, what I long for Isnt real. I know it exists for others. Ive seen it. I’ve seen it be real and beautiful for others. However for me, no. Never.” Youve put my frustration into words for me! Ive started to read your blog to empower me/uplift me/heal me/accept myself! I read your post called not a closet and cried! I read this post you had written about you not being gorgeous or not turning heads! I remember thinking “Is she crazy?” “Of course she turns heads!” “She’s gorgeous!” However, I thought, this girl is an answer to my prayers! Just this past year after being fed up with all of the friends in my life that have no problem reminding me and reminding me often of how gorgeous they are, how beautiful they are, how great their bodies are I started wondering are there any genuinely beautiful people in this world! People that are beautiful physically however also beautiful emotionally too! People that are genuinely beautiful but genuinely humble too! And selfless! You write about being selfless often! You write about loving others unconditionally! YOU are an answer to my prayers ’cause I didnt think people like you existed anymore! Im sorry your heart is broken Ill pray for it to heal! What you want, what you deserve does exist! I believe that for you anyway! God wouldn’t make such a rare/unique/bright/loving person and not design a person for you to share all of that with! sorry this is so long!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are the blessing. It is a beautiful thing when someone who doesn’t know you can reach out and encourage you. I’m so glad my words are resonating with you. I encourage you and pray for your journey with self acceptance and love. Thanks so much!

      Like

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