New Acceptance

I’m starting to believe that what I want doesn’t exist.

I’ve never had good.
Anytime I’ve come close to good, a massive amount of bullshit overpowers.
Sometimes, I blame myself for the bull; accepting what I know I shouldn’t.
However, most of the time I’m simply blindsided.
Never saw the bullshit coming.
Never saw the negative coming. Continue reading

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I’ve been avoiding this…

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I’ve been avoiding writing. I’ve been inclined to write but have purposely decided countless times to distract myself instead. I didn’t want to write, because I didn’t want to write about my heartbreak and I didn’t want anyone to know I was still heartbroken. Then I read my last post and it seemed hypocritical of me not to write. So this is what came out…. Continue reading

Why

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I write to purge.
Writing gives me an outlet to say the words my lips dare not touch.
I write to release. I write so that I can be my own sounding board; so that the page can be a set of ears to listen to my thoughts.
I write to calm the storms that swirl and explode in my mind and in my spirit. To sift through all the many jumbled up and confused emotions inside of me, and to bring order and peace to my psyche.
I write as a way to hug myself when I’m lonely and to encourage myself when it’s only me.
I write to dialogue with the spirit of my God, and the spirits of those who came before me, and with the spirits of my present sisters worldwide.
I write to purge.

And then I share. Continue reading

This is healing…

What to say?
Well…
the adjustment is underway.
I’m somewhere in between mourning the lost of love and celebrating the joy of my own rebirth.

Every morning I start my day with a walk accompanied by good music and a protein shake. I set positive intentions for each day, and then commence to follow through.

Each day is filled with thoughts, a sentiment of missing, regret, anger, slight sadness…usual breakup feels. However, each day also brings laughter, an increase in satisfaction that things ended, small mends to my heart, new visions going forward, and less looking back at what was.

This is healing. Although it’s difficult and painful, it’s an adventure and a journey. Moving through pain, at times, seems impossible, but then I make it through to the other side of the moment, and exhale.

I welcome the discomfort; it means I’m outgrowing this scarred skin.
I welcome the pain; it means I still have the ability to feel.
I welcome the journey; I’ll be better once I reach the end.

I look forward to the beauty that is to come…

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Eat!!!

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i haven’t had an appetite in four weeks. I’ve lost fifteen pounds in a month, doing absolutely nothing. I’ve been eating once a day, if I remember to. When I’m stressed or sad, my appetite goes out the window.  But tonight, at 1:54am, I got out of my bed, went to my kitchen, and made a sandwich. I WAS STARVING!!

And I’m  so glad! I want to lose weight, but I want it to be with sweat and work and an increase in muscle and endurance…  Not from being sick over my ex girlfriend.

So, I hope I gain a little weight back. Then I want to lose it again. gain some muscles. Be able to do some chin-ups. Be able to run.

I’m eating tonight. I’m glad.