I’ve been avoiding this…

 

I’ve been avoiding writing. I’ve been inclined to write but have purposely decided countless times to distract myself instead. I didn’t want to write, because I didn’t want to write about my heartbreak and I didn’t want anyone to know I was still heartbroken. Then I read my last post and it seemed hypocritical of me not to write. So this is what came out….

I’ve been in love twice.
Two women, so similar in their unavailability that it makes me wonder what the heck my problem is.

I’ve been in love twice
with two women who both asked me why I cared at all.

I’ve been in love twice.
One woman asked me why I fought for her, the other asked me to stop fighting for her
and as I think about it, it’s hard to tell which woman was which.
That similar…

I’ve been in love twice.
Neither woman loved me back, though they both stressed that they did.

I’ve been in love twice.
In my mind’s eye they are starting to look the same.
In reality they look nothing alike.

I’ve been in love twice.
I blame myself for my own downfall with the first one.
I don’t know who to blame for my downfall with the second.

I’ve been in love twice.
The fact that the second leads me to ponder on the first leaves me uncomfortable.

I’ve been in love twice
and no good came from it.

That’s a lie. I take that back. The first time I learned what loving unconditionally was all about, and the second time I learned how loving selflessly could be rewarding after all.
But neither cared or saw the rarity of my love.

It has been five years since my first love broke my heart.
It doesn’t hurt anymore.
I don’t think of her endlessly anymore.
I don’t pine for her, and get angry at the mention of her, or feel any type of despair seeing her face.
If she came to me today asking for friendship or more, I wouldn’t feel inclined or drawn to comply…
I know this to be true because I didn’t when she actually did.
I think of her as memories from my past, forever to remain there, with no desire to bring her to my present.
However, it is true what they say. When you truly love someone, a part of you always will.
A part of me will always love my first love.

It has been two and a half months since my second love broke my heart.
It still hurts.
I think of her literally at least twenty hours out of the day.
I guess the thing is, I sincerely thought she would be not my “second” love,
but my last love.
And I thought she felt the same. She said she felt the same.
And I don’t really know what happened to change that.
It did change for her though.
And I want so very much to simply let go.
I can’t.
It is true what they say. When you truly love someone, a part of you always will.

I’ve been in love twice.
I’m not sure I’ll fall in love again.
I can’t fathom falling in love again.
I’m not remarkably gorgeous; I don’t turn heads.
Women are not drawn to me.
And even if they were, my second love still may very well be my last love…